This Week's Relationship Advice Question:
Two months ago I got job and met a lady who I've been working with as a partner since. She's a beautiful lady and I love her so much. Right now we are friends and I'm really interested in her but I fear letting her know that will ruin our friendship. Please help- it's been giving me stress!
Okay, I know it may not help your stress, but I have to say it's really sweet you're having such strong feelings for her.
There's really only one sure way to clear this up for you and that is is to tell her.
Yes, tell her.
Tell her you are worried about harming your friendship (it clearly means a lot to you). And tell her you also have feelings for her.
It's going to take some courage to be that vulnerable with someone, but vulnerability is also where we create the most authentic meaningful connections.
And then listen to her. She might need some space. She might want a little time to think about it. She might not know how to respond.
You're going to need to sit with your anxiety about all of that in order to respect her and let her respond honestly. Make a plan to keep yourself in check if you have to wait a while. Call a friend. See a movie. Go for a run. Do all the self-care.
If she's into you, she'll tell you. In a perfect world she'd also tell you if she isn't interested. I hope you have the kind of friendship that has space for honesty like that. But in our culture girls and women are taught to be nice above all else- so we're often unclear with people when we need to say no or set a boundary.
I'm not making an excuse for her here, but I want you to pay close attention to the behaviors she expresses in response to your big disclosure. Our behaviors are often the clearest indicator of what's going on in situations where complicated feelings arise.
If she's not into you, I hope you can still maintain your friendship. It might take you a minute to soothe disappointment and hopefully she'll understand that.
Hopefully your connection will continue to grow even stronger because of your courage and vulnerability in telling her the truth.
Good luck brave friend.
Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a sex educator and relationship coach specializing in polyamory, open relationships, jealousy, LGBTQ issues and infidelity.
She can help you:
- rediscover passion in long-term relationships
- repair trust after infidelity or dishonesty
- move past jealousy, insecurity or codependent patterns
- open your relationship or practice polyamory with care
- resolve sexual dysfunction and disconnect
- break unhealthy communication patterns in your relationship
Contact her for a free consultation to see if working with her is right for you.