no sex after marriage

Why You're Not Having Sex: Time Scarcity

poly therapist portland sex therapist | couples counseling for sexuality

This is part of a series of posts about sex and desire in long-term relationships.  CLICK HERE to read the full series.

Today I want to talk about one of the simplest ways to increase the sexual connection between you: clearing up time scarcity.  

Time scarcity is usually something we talk about at work.  You miss a deadline and find yourself procrastinating yet you always find yourself running out of time to really get things done. You just never can find the time to do the thing that's most important.  

Apply that theory at home and you'll hear one of the most common factors facing busy couples in their sex life.  Between laundry, errands, hobbies, friends, and work there's just no good time for sex.   

Time scarcity breeds sadness at lost opportunities.  It also fuels comparison and shame when we look at others who somehow have time to do the things we wish we were doing.

There are three key ways to shift the time scarcity mindset.  Try applying these in your own life:

1.  Check your beliefs

Most of the time this time scarcity is all in your head.  Reality-check your thoughts here.  Is it really completely true there 's no time for sex?  How long does sex usually take you and your partner?   

For most couples it takes 5-20 minutes to have satisfying sex- are you really sure there are no 20-minute sessions you can free up in the week?

2.  Shift to appreciation and gratitude

Sometimes when we're stuck in a mindset of lacking we completely miss the opportunities all around us.  We're so focused on what's not happening and our resulting disappointment, we miss all the space where it could happen.

Try spending a week shifting your mindset.  Every time sexual time-scarcity crosses your mind shift to appreciation for the times you do have affection, connection, understanding, and attraction between you.  Start noticing the opportunities that are already there in order to enhance them.

3.  Reprioritize your schedule

Most people have peak possibility times each week, in session we call these optimal arousal zones.  These are times and settings where we're more likely to be open to having sex.  

It's not unusual for you and your partner's arousal timelines not to be in sync.  Often one of you prefers mornings and another might prefer mid-afternoon.  One of you might realize you're most easily aroused when on a dance floor and another might be best in the mood after a sleep-in morning.

It's also not uncommon to have the daily routines and responsibilities of life interrupt your sexual peak schedule.  If you're a mid-afternoon person and you work a 9-5 job, it can be hard to find a time to connect with your partner that aligns with your arousal zone.

So what should you do?

First, talk to your partner.  Even if you think you already know when they're most likely in the mood, start a conversation and see what you can learn about the optimal time and setting for their arousal.  

Then look at your schedules and make a plan.  You might not want to plan for sex entirely, but plan to spend some quality time on a regular basis connecting with each other in the time and settings you've shared as optimal arousal zones.  See what you might learn if you actually set aside time for fully present connection in these windows.

Self-Check

If you're not willing to create time, shift your thought patterns, or reality-check your assumptions ask yourself why.   

How does keeping things as they are serve you?  

How could your partner support you in moving forward?

Or are you truly uninterested in spending your time building more sexual connection?

Is there something else blocking you from creating more sexual connection?  Use this guide to help sort out what's getting in your way.  

Or call me for a consultation, I'm happy to talk you through it.  

 

READ THE REST OF THE SERIES:

  1. Biology

  2. Time Scarcity

  3. Lack of Self-Care

  4. Maintenance Sex - Break Free of Obligation

  5. Lack of Inspiration - Invest in Creativity, Wonder and Awe

  6. Assumption-Making - Get Curious and Explore

  7. Initiation Hesitation - Live Courageously and Circle Back

  8. Lacking Feedback - Highlights Reel

  9. Poor Consent Practices - Talk During

  10. Sex Negativity - Don't Yuck Their Yum

  11. Routine Boredom - Fantasy Sharing, Find Inspiration

  12. Necessary Repairs - Move Past Resentment with Apology and Personal Responsibility

  13. Desire Maintenance - Invest in Your Sexiness

  14. Alone Time


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Hi!  I'm glad you're reading.  Let me know if I can help you:

  • rediscover passion in long-term relationships
  • repair trust after infidelity or dishonesty
  • move beyond jealousy, insecurity or codependency
  • resolve sexual dysfunction and disconnect
  • break unhealthy communication patterns 
  • open your relationship and practice polyamory with care

Call me for a free consultation to rethink your relationship.

 

Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a communication consultant, sexuality counselor and certified relationship coach specializing in polyamory, open relationships, jealousy, and infidelity.  

Why You're Not Having Sex: Biology

poly therapist portland sex therapist | couples counseling for sexuality

This is part of a series of posts about sex and desire in long-term relationships.  CLICK HERE to read the full series.

Today I want to point out the first thing I talk with couples about when they bring up desire fatigue as a concern: biology.  

There are so many easy-to-resolve ways biology can be a part of the desire fatigue it's difficult to list them all, but here are a few examples:

  • Depression medications imbalance can lead to lower libido and emotional numbness- resulting in lower desire.
  • Heart problems can make the cardio workout of sexual activity and the blood flow required for arousal and erection a challenge and sometimes even an impossibility. 
  • Digestive issues can make people feel less sexually-inclined and can negatively impact mental health thus lowering libido.  
  • Pelvic pain is FAR more common than anyone seems to realize, and this kind of pain isn't often the kind folks seek out in pain play- it usually is a desire crusher.
  • Chronic pain can be a barrier to comfort and body-mind connection, and as a result can make the body-mind connection necessary to have sex a real challenge.
  • Fatigue and stress are far too often underestimated in our culture (they impact more of us than we realize) and can make it very difficult to have satisfying sexual connection with ourselves or others.

This is just a tiny snapshot of ways physical health impacts sexual health.  Before you start thinking "there's just something wrong with me" check with your naturopath, doctor, and acupuncturist.  

I know most people rarely talk about this aspect of their health when they see a provider- but it is a critical part of your well-being, and they often have possible solutions for you.  

If you haven't already, check with your medical provider to see if there's not some assistance they can give you to improve sexual function.

If you're not willing to talk to a medical provider ask yourself why not.  If you aren't sure how they will react you might want to seek out a different provider.  

If you feel nervous and want to talk through how to have talk with them, check out this tool I created to help guide you through your conversation.  

Or give me a call, I'm happy to talk you through any challenge.

As I said, this is just one of many possible shifts you could try to make sustainable change in your sex life.  Read on in the series for more:

READ THE REST OF THE SERIES:

  1. Biology

  2. Time Scarcity

  3. Lack of Self-Care

  4. Maintenance Sex - Break Free of Obligation

  5. Lack of Inspiration - Invest in Creativity, Wonder and Awe

  6. Assumption-Making - Get Curious and Explore

  7. Initiation Hesitation - Live Courageously and Circle Back

  8. Lacking Feedback - Highlights Reel

  9. Poor Consent Practices - Talk During

  10. Sex Negativity - Don't Yuck Their Yum

  11. Routine Boredom - Fantasy Sharing, Find Inspiration

  12. Necessary Repairs - Move Past Resentment with Apology and Personal Responsibility

  13. Desire Maintenance - Invest in Your Sexiness

  14. Alone Time


portland sex therapy, sex therapist portland oregon couples counseling polyamory

Hi!  I'm glad you're reading.  Let me know if I can help you:

  • rediscover passion in long-term relationships
  • repair trust after infidelity or dishonesty
  • move beyond jealousy, insecurity or codependency
  • resolve sexual dysfunction and disconnect
  • break unhealthy communication patterns 
  • open your relationship and practice polyamory with care

Call me for a free consultation to rethink your relationship.

 

Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a communication consultant, sexuality counselor and certified relationship coach specializing in polyamory, open relationships, jealousy, and infidelity.