keep sex alive

Why You're Not Having Sex: Biology

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This is part of a series of posts about sex and desire in long-term relationships.  CLICK HERE to read the full series.

Today I want to point out the first thing I talk with couples about when they bring up desire fatigue as a concern: biology.  

There are so many easy-to-resolve ways biology can be a part of the desire fatigue it's difficult to list them all, but here are a few examples:

  • Depression medications imbalance can lead to lower libido and emotional numbness- resulting in lower desire.
  • Heart problems can make the cardio workout of sexual activity and the blood flow required for arousal and erection a challenge and sometimes even an impossibility. 
  • Digestive issues can make people feel less sexually-inclined and can negatively impact mental health thus lowering libido.  
  • Pelvic pain is FAR more common than anyone seems to realize, and this kind of pain isn't often the kind folks seek out in pain play- it usually is a desire crusher.
  • Chronic pain can be a barrier to comfort and body-mind connection, and as a result can make the body-mind connection necessary to have sex a real challenge.
  • Fatigue and stress are far too often underestimated in our culture (they impact more of us than we realize) and can make it very difficult to have satisfying sexual connection with ourselves or others.

This is just a tiny snapshot of ways physical health impacts sexual health.  Before you start thinking "there's just something wrong with me" check with your naturopath, doctor, and acupuncturist.  

I know most people rarely talk about this aspect of their health when they see a provider- but it is a critical part of your well-being, and they often have possible solutions for you.  

If you haven't already, check with your medical provider to see if there's not some assistance they can give you to improve sexual function.

If you're not willing to talk to a medical provider ask yourself why not.  If you aren't sure how they will react you might want to seek out a different provider.  

If you feel nervous and want to talk through how to have talk with them, check out this tool I created to help guide you through your conversation.  

Or give me a call, I'm happy to talk you through any challenge.

As I said, this is just one of many possible shifts you could try to make sustainable change in your sex life.  Read on in the series for more:

READ THE REST OF THE SERIES:

  1. Biology

  2. Time Scarcity

  3. Lack of Self-Care

  4. Maintenance Sex - Break Free of Obligation

  5. Lack of Inspiration - Invest in Creativity, Wonder and Awe

  6. Assumption-Making - Get Curious and Explore

  7. Initiation Hesitation - Live Courageously and Circle Back

  8. Lacking Feedback - Highlights Reel

  9. Poor Consent Practices - Talk During

  10. Sex Negativity - Don't Yuck Their Yum

  11. Routine Boredom - Fantasy Sharing, Find Inspiration

  12. Necessary Repairs - Move Past Resentment with Apology and Personal Responsibility

  13. Desire Maintenance - Invest in Your Sexiness

  14. Alone Time


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Hi!  I'm glad you're reading.  Let me know if I can help you:

  • rediscover passion in long-term relationships
  • repair trust after infidelity or dishonesty
  • move beyond jealousy, insecurity or codependency
  • resolve sexual dysfunction and disconnect
  • break unhealthy communication patterns 
  • open your relationship and practice polyamory with care

Call me for a free consultation to rethink your relationship.

 

Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a communication consultant, sexuality counselor and certified relationship coach specializing in polyamory, open relationships, jealousy, and infidelity.  

The 14 Reasons Why You're Not Having Sex

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Our culture tells us all the time that sex should just come naturally and easily at all times in a relationship and if it's not- BEWARE this means there's something very wrong with you or your relationship.  

I'm here to tell you that assumption is the core of the problem.  It is perfectly natural for your sex drive and your sexual preferences to flex and change from day to day- and hour to hour.  Think about it, you may not be in the mood while stuck in traffic but you could be just moments later in the day with the right setting, partner(s) and preparation.  

Most couples struggle at one point or another with mismatched desire, desire fatigue, loss of passion or other difficulties maintaining sexual chemistry long-term.

And it is not common for you and your partner to be on exactly the same wavelength in those fluctuations.  Typically one of you has a higher drive in general and the other will have a lower drive.  

This isn't a reflection of your desire-ablity or your relationship strength- it's just a natural baseline for each of you that's set at different frequencies. 

Most of the bad sex advice you'll read online centers on silly tricks you can try to spice things up in the bedroom or change your momentary desire (62 sex positions you should try etc etc).  Many of these tips can work temporarily and if they work for you enjoy them.  

Very few of these temporary solutions will shift things in a sustainable long-lasting way.  I'm going to walk you through the solutions I've seen work long-term in my practice helping couples stay connected with desire.  Click through to see which solutions might work best for you.    

 

READ THE SERIES:

  1. Biology

  2. Time Scarcity

  3. Lack of Self-Care

  4. Maintenance Sex - Break Free of Obligation

  5. Lack of Inspiration - Invest in Creativity, Wonder and Awe

  6. Assumption-Making - Get Curious and Explore

  7. Initiation Hesitation - Live Courageously and Circle Back

  8. Lacking Feedback - Highlights Reel

  9. Poor Consent Practices - Talk During

  10. Sex Negativity - Don't Yuck Their Yum

  11. Routine Boredom - Fantasy Sharing, Find Inspiration

  12. Necessary Repairs - Move Past Resentment with Apology and Personal Responsibility

  13. Desire Maintenance - Invest in Your Sexiness

  14. Alone Time


polyamory counselor sex therapist portland

Hi!  I'm glad you're reading.  Let me know if I can help you:

  • rediscover passion in long-term relationships
  • repair trust after infidelity or dishonesty
  • move beyond jealousy, insecurity or codependency
  • resolve sexual dysfunction and disconnect
  • break unhealthy communication patterns 
  • open your relationship and practice polyamory with care

Call me for a free consultation to rethink your relationship.

 

Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a communication consultant, sexuality counselor and certified relationship coach specializing in polyamory, open relationships, jealousy, and infidelity.  

Keeping Desire Alive in Long-Term Relationships

keeping desire alive in long-term relationships.jpg

Esther Perel gave a fantastic TED talk earlier this year after completing years of research on desire and fascination in couples.  Her talk and her work focus on key ways to keep the fire alive for couples who stay together a long time.  Two clear themes hold true for couples and for fires.  The are:

Fire Needs Air

If you have ever built a fire you know this is true.  You can't pile on too much kindling and paper, the fire needs to breathe.  This is true in partnership as well.  You need a little room to breathe.

As Perel puts it, one clear response in her research was from people who said "I am most drawn to my partner when she is away, when we are apart, when we reunite."  

Taking time away from your sweetheart is beneficial for many reasons, but in the case of desire it allows room for imagination.  Giving your fire some air affords the opportunity to long for one another.

Be careful not to smother your fire. Give each other space to breathe.

Fire Needs Kindling

You can't a fire without kindling, and without regularly feeding it your fire will eventually die out.  In couples this is probably even more important than giving space.

So how do you feed that fire?  Feed your inner fire.  Each of you has something wonderful and magical within you that originally drew your partner to you.  

Invest in your individual fires or as Perel's said, "When I look at my partner radiant and confident, probably the biggest turn-on across the board."

Find ways to develop your interests and passions and share them with your partner and others.  Toss some kindling on the fire and watch the sparks fly.

Watch the whole Esther Perel TED Talk below.

If you're interested in talking about balancing the kindling and air in your relationship give me a call for a consultation - I'm happy to help you out.   


Gina Senarighi Sex Counselor Portland

Gina Senarighi offers non-judgmental sex-positive, gender-affirming, LGBTQ relationship support online and in the Pacific Northwest. 

She often says, “I love love, in all its forms!”

She’s helped thousands of couples deepen their sexual connection, repair trust, and build sustainable lasting partnerships.

She uses her multi-disciplinary professional training to teach communication skills and help her clients handle conflict with compassion.

Gina has supported many couples experimenting with open relationships based in trust and integrity. If you’re considering polyamory you should check out her online resources here.

Although most of her couples are experimenting with less traditional relationship structures, even her more mainstream clients appreciate her open-minded non-judgmental approach and diverse expertise.

If you’re interested in taking this work further contact her for a free consultation.