should we break up | when to break up | decide about divorce.png

Are you heading in different directions?

You're at a fork in the road, asking yourself- are we on the same path? It's a critical time for you together and you need to know where to turn for help. 

Maybe you're asking yourself these question too (maybe it's how you found this site).  

Maybe one of these thoughts resonates with you:

  • We've lost desire and can't seem to find ways to reconnect.

  • I love them, but I'm not sure I'm "in love." 

  • Sometimes I want to break up, but I'm not sure.

  • We keep having the same frustrating conflicts over and over and over.

  • I'm upset more often than I'm happy and I feel like we've tried everything to fix it.

  • They say they want to end it but I think we still have a chance.

  • I don't know how we can fix things, but I feel like we should try.

  • My partner brought up opening the relationship and I'm not sure.

  • My previously straight partner just came out (LGBTQ). I don't know how we can stay together.

Every couple goes through transitions - some more challenging than others.

But is this a transition you make together, or is it time to part?

I'm here to help you discern what's best for you individually and how you can creatively get your needs met together.

Or decide how to move on with care and respect.

I've seen many couples through incredible relationship transformations. Both staying together and breaking up.  Read below for more info on how we sort through these difficult times.

Call to learn how I can support you in this difficult time.


discernment counseling | divorce counseling | break up | separation counseling 

WHAT THE DISCERNMENT PROCESS IS:

Discernment counseling was developed by Bill Doherty, PhD, as part of the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Program. Unlike marriage therapy, which focuses on saving the marriage, discernment work focuses solely on helping couples decide whether or not to continue their commitment.

Typically, this brief time-limited process is completed in five sessions or less. The goal is to get the couple unstuck and moving forward, in whichever direction they choose.

The goal-focused, action-oriented work is a coaching process.  We'll focus on your strengths and resiliency factors to help you move forward with integrity.

Discernment work is designed to help you answer, “Am I willing to work on changing my contributions to the relationship?”

If both partners answer yes, they move forward to start working more intensely in couples coaching.

 

WHAT DISCERNMENT WORK IS NOT:

CONVINCING - These sessions won’t force a spouse who is determined to divorce to change his/her mind.  I'm not here to convince either of you, though I ultimately will always hold out hope for your partnership.

JUDGEMENT - I'm not here to take sides or judge which of you is right or wrong.  And that wouldn't really help you anyway, would it?

HEALTHCARE - It's not mental health therapy (aimed at assessing, diagnosing or treating individual mental health conditions or substance use).  We're not going to wander through stories of your family of origin or trauma history.  We'll focus our relationship coaching at the specific issue at hand: should I stay or should I go?

MAGIC WAND - This process is not an immediate change creator.  Instead it helps you identify and understand what happened to the relationship and each of your contributions to the issues at hand.

THE ONLY STEP - It won’t create a perfectly harmonious relationship between spouses who have let their relationship deteriorate past the point of no return. If you're at this decision point you'll need to do work to make sustainable change in your relationship patterns. However, discernment work will help you identify where you need to focus your continued relationship work as a couple.


 
discernment counseling | divorce counseling | break up | separation counseling

BENEFITS OF DISCERNMENT COUNSELING:

  • It gives you a chance to review your relationship history and explore needs and concerns for the future.

  • It can be a powerful turning point for couples.  I've seen many clients experience a rebirth of connection. 

  • If one of you is certain you’d like to end things but the other is not, creating a holding environment to allow the other partner to “catch up,” can help you set a positive tone for your future relationship (which is especially important if you have children).

  • This kind of work can dramatically reduce the emotional conflict that arises like a tug of war between deciding whether to stay or to go. Discernment work has made the divorce process smoother with less fighting and legal fees for many of my clients.

  • Couples who commit to relationship coaching after going through discernment identify the core areas to work on and know what needs to change. This supports the following coaching process for those who decide stay together.

  • Getting clarity about your contribution to the challenges in your current relationship can help keep you from repeating the same mistakes in future relationships.


discernment counseling | divorce counseling | break up | separation counseling

WHAT I DON'T DO

  • Sit and nod - instead, we'll take action (I've been described as "direct and not-coddling")
  • Add shame or judgment to your experience (there's already too much of that in the world)
  • Assume your experience is the same as my own
  • Pathologize you (I don't treat mental illness, so you won't receive a diagnosis, assessment or treatment for mental health conditions or substance use) 
  • Support couples who are actively violent with one another- your safety needs to come first, then our work together can begin

WHAT I DO

  • Understand the unique dynamics and issues that arise for non-traditional couples (based both in lived and professional experience)
  • Use a strengths-based approach to help you grow in a positive direction
  • Develop an individualized plan to change the way you do relationships
  • Follow a sex-positive kink-knowledgeable framework and draw from extensive experience as a sex educator
  • Help you listen, build trust and communicate effectively with yourself and those you love
  • Keep momentum and hope alive - even when it's hard for you to feel hopeful


poly coach | polyamory coach | open relationship coach | open relationships counseling | nonmonogamy coach

I've been writing about discernment coaching for some time.  Click the articles below to read more on this important topic.

 
lgbtq therapist | queer therapist | portland sex positive therapy | sex therapist portland | portland sex therapy

One day I am sure I should break it off, and then the very next day I'm sure I want to be with this person. What's the deal?

There are a lot of reasons you might feel like you're swinging between opposite poles moment to moment (lots of people feel this way, BTW).  Often this means there's still possibility to make it work (which is why sometimes you're sure it's working) but you might be really stuck in some outdated patterns- which is why getting help is critical right now.

Sometimes it feels like he'll change and then the very next day it feels like nothing ever will.  How long will it take for things to really change?

It's unbelievably frustrating to ride waves of change and setback. I see clients all the time who are weary from trying and talking and low from dashed hopes in this cycle of ups and downs. Changing long-standing patterns is really hard, but your question speaks to four critical elements:

1. You are starting to let hopelessness in. When you say words like ever/never it tells me you really need something concrete to pin your hopes to. If you want to stay together you need to start asking yourself if you have enough hope in your reserve tank to pull you through the work that needs to happen to get to the other side of resentment mountain.

2. You still want it to work. At least part of you does. Or you wouldn't be asking and you wouldn't be in it anymore.  But you're facing trying times and your patience is wearing thin... I think it's time to call for help.

3. Which brings me to the third piece, your patience is clearly getting worn here. If you're going to stay together and work it out (I'm sorry to tell you this but) there will be more ups and downs. Change doesn't happen in a direct linear path- there are always steps forward and at least small steps back until sustainable new patterns are formed. The question for you is- do you have the patience to weather positive growth that includes some minor setbacks?

4. I know you want/need your partner to change, and no doubt there are things they need to take a look at.  But, are you willing to look at your own contributions to the problem? Because the patterns that aren't working were co-created so to undo them we're going to have to co-create change. It can't be all one-sided. Do you really want to change your own ways?  Are you willing to take responsibility for your contributions?

Consider these four elements when you think about staying together and signing on to relationship work as a couple. Discernment is not an easy process, but it is often a very helpful one.

Should we break up?

It's not for me to decide.  When we first meet I'll give you frank feedback about the strengths I see in your connection, and the work we'll need to do to repair and reinvent parts of your connection moving forward. 

I try to be realistic about both pieces so you can assess if you really have the commitment, time, and energy to dedicate to making it work- or leaving lovingly.    

Can we get through this affair? Do couples stay together after cheating?

Even couple takes a different route through infidelity.  Some of my couples choose to split up- and in those cases I help them do so with respect and kindness.  

Most of my couples choose to stay together and though it isn't easy many of them make it through.  We work to repair broken trust and create communication that works for both of you moving forward.

I'm can help you repair trust no matter what you've been through.  

 

I'm happy to answer any questions you have about couples support in a free call.