KEEPING DESIRE ALIVE LONG-TERM
Desire and fascination in relationships waxes and wanes over time- this is totally natural. Even though most of my clients know this is true- sexual mismatch, low libido, waning desire, and passion fatigue can be a real bummer in a relationship.
I've helped hundreds of couples reconnect with desire and communicate more freely about their sexual needs.
Maybe you feel you've tried everything on your own, and you feel stuck, or you're starting to take this very personally. If so it might be helpful to bring in a consultant (that's me) to help you see things in a new way.
Don't be shy.
Lots of folks feel nervous about talking with a stranger about sex. I know it can be really intimidating, but I assure you I have heard it all and hold no judgment about my clients' sexual expressions. As long as you are using consent and respecting yourself and others your sexual desires are welcome here.
Unlike talking to a friend, I have professional expertise and training to help you move through your challenges. And unlike talking to your friends, I keep things confidential. Your information is safe with me.
I'm here to help.
I get lots of great feedback from clients- even those who dread coming to couples sessions. Not too long ago I received the following text from a client, "I just had amazing sex with my beautiful wife. Thank you- your work is priceless."
Here's a favorite video on passion and desire in marriage and long-term relationships from my mentor, Esther Perel:
WHAT I DON'T DO
- Add shame or judgment to your experience (there's already too much of that in the world)
- Treat mental illness (so you won't receive a diagnosis, assessment or treatment for mental health conditions)
- Treat substance abuse issues, but I can refer you to several great folks who do
- Support couples who are actively violent with one another- your safety needs to come first, then our work together can begin
WHAT I DO
- Create a plan (with you) to change the way you do relationships
- Help you listen and communicate effectively
- Focus on and enhance your strengths
- Find possibility where you feel really stuck
- Create a judgment-free space for you to identify your needs clearly
- Listen and empathize with what's really going on for you
- Keep momentum and hope alive- even when you can't see it
Questions from past couples clients:
Do we have to talk about sex?
Well... kind of. I mean it's going to be hard for me to help you with your sexual connection if you don't want to talk about it. BUT you are the one who decides how much to share with me and your partner and when/if you feel safe to do so.
When we start our work together I'll be working with you to create the boundaries you need to feel safe in our work.
Do we have to break up or open our relationship to get our needs met?
Lots of couples ask this and it's important you know, I don't believe there are a lot of "have tos" in relationship work. We will explore together if staying together, breaking up, or finding some other kind of arrangement is the best next path for you.
How is coaching different from counseling?
You’ve tried therapy and stuck to it… but it’s time to apply the skills learne. Counseling is important reflective healing work, but my clients come to me hoping to take action for change. That's where coaching comes in.
Counseling (the "assessment and treatment of mental health disorders") is about asking why something is happening. Coaching doesn't assess or treat these disorders- my clients are healthy. Instead we ask what you want to do differently. How do you want to change?
What are your sexual desires?
I have plenty of my own desires but I will keep our sessions focused on your desires and needs because these sessions are all about helping you.
Will you demonstrate _____________ sexual act?
In order to keep the session focused on your relationship, and as a way to keep our professional relationship very clear, I don't touch my clients or share my own sexual intimacy, desires, fantasies, or needs with them.
I can always refer you to many groups and educators in the area and online who can give you great demonstrations or tell you stories from their lives if that's your interest.