This week's question:
"I lived with/dated a poly man for 18 months. He is a gem of a person! His wife, her boyfriend and I had a good relationship and are still in touch.
These last few months I've been dealing with jealousy and insecurity, so much so that we broke things off and he moved out.
I'm pretty devastated, and really want things to work, but need time to get my head on straight. We agreed to check back in a few months and see where things stand. I want to be ready and healthy for this.
How do I figure out how to work on jealousy and insecurity?"
I'm so sorry you broke up. I hope you'll consider working on your insecurity and jealousy for your own well-being, whether you get back together or not.
The first step in managing jealousy and insecurity is learning to allow them. Most of us struggle with jealousy and insecurity and most of our struggle is beating ourselves up because they exsist.
But jealousy and insecurity are normal, natural emotional states. If we ignore them we're ignoring part of ourselves. And we would never ignore other emotions (joy, excitement, calm etc) so why sever this part of ourselves?
I know joy and happiness are so much easier to sit with. But if you can bring yourself to accept that jealousy and insecurity are natural, you may be able to sit with them a while and learn from them. Often they're trying to tell us something useful.
Next time they show up, find somewhere comfy and get something to write with. Then do a free-write (unedited, no-judgment allowed) interviewing them. Ask your jealousy and insecurity:
- What do they want most?
- What are they trying to tell you?
- What other emotions are they traveling with?
- What are they trying to protect?
And answer for yourself:
- How does spending time with jealousy/insecurity help me?
- How do I feel when I believe my jealous thoughts?
- How do I feel when I choose to believe my insecure thoughts?
- How do I want to feel in this moment? What do I want to focus on/be present for?
- Who would I be if you weren't focusing on them?
Notice what you can learn from these emotions if you allow them. There is likely some important learning here for you. If you want a coach to walk you through creating a different relationship with your jealousy and insecurity, call me, I'm here for you.
Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC keeps non-traditional relationships healthy and vibrant as a coach and retreat leader in Portland, OR.
She can help you:
- rediscover passion in long-term relationships
- repair trust after infidelity or dishonesty
- move past jealousy, insecurity or codependecy
- open your relationship and practice polyamory with care
- resolve sexual dysfunction and disconnection
- break stale or unhealthy communication patterns
Contact her for a free consultation to see if working with her is right for you.