Our culture tells us all the time that sex should just come naturally and easily at all times in a relationship and if it's not- BEWARE this means there's something very wrong with you or your relationship.
I'm here to tell you that assumption is the core of the problem. It is perfectly natural for your sex drive and your sexual preferences to flex and change from day to day- and hour to hour. Think about it, you may not be in the mood while stuck in traffic but you could be just moments later in the day with the right setting, partner(s) and preparation.
And it is not common for you and your partner to be on exactly the same wavelength in those fluctuations. Typically one of you has a higher drive in general and the other will have a lower drive.
This isn't a reflection of your desire-ablity or your relationship strength- it's just a natural baseline for each of you that's set at different frequencies.
Most of the bad sex advice you'll read online centers on silly tricks you can try to spice things up in the bedroom or change your momentary desire (62 sex positions you should try etc etc). Many of these tips can work temporarily and if they work for you enjoy them.
Very few of these temporary solutions will shift things in a sustainable long-lasting way. I'm going to walk you through the solutions I've seen work long-term in my practice helping couples stay connected with desire. Click through to see which solutions might work best for you.
READ THE SERIES:
Maintenance Sex - Break Free of Obligation
Lack of Inspiration - Invest in Creativity, Wonder and Awe
Assumption-Making - Get Curious and Explore
Initiation Hesitation - Live Courageously and Circle Back
Lacking Feedback - Highlights Reel
Poor Consent Practices - Talk During
Routine Boredom - Fantasy Sharing, Find Inspiration
Necessary Repairs - Move Past Resentment with Apology and Personal Responsibility
Desire Maintenance - Invest in Your Sexiness
Hi! I'm glad you're reading. Let me know if I can help you:
- rediscover passion in long-term relationships
- repair trust after infidelity or dishonesty
- move beyond jealousy, insecurity or codependency
- resolve sexual dysfunction and disconnect
- break unhealthy communication patterns
- open your relationship and practice polyamory with care
Call me for a free consultation to rethink your relationship.
Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a communication consultant, sexuality counselor and certified relationship coach specializing in polyamory, open relationships, jealousy, and infidelity.