This Week's Sex Advice Question:
I've been seeing a guy for 3 months. I like him and he has a big package but he doesn't know how to use it to satisfy me. He also likes to go down but that doesn't satisfy me either.
What can I do to help him when he thinks he knows what he's doing?
Well not being satisfied is super frustrating. I'm sorry for both of you that this is going on. You absolutely deserve satisfying sex- and so does your partner.
The good thing is you're not alone- it's super common to have one partner without a clue the other isn't really into the kind of sex you're having.
Actually, it's so common I think I may have answered your boyfriend's question a few weeks ago right here.
And it's a good thing there are lots of simple ways to change what's going on for you two.
There are two things you can do very easily. They're both really simple and usually really challenging. Simple in action, but challenging because they mean you're going to have to be really vulnerable with him- and that takes courage.
Get to know yourself
First you have to really understand what you like and don't like all on your own - with or without him. So you're going to have to get comfortable trying things on yourself if you haven't already. There's nothing wrong with masturbation- especially because it will help you be a better lover.
Get a vibrator or a dildo or just use your hands and some lube, but spend some time figuring out how and where you like being touched, caressed and how and when you like penetration. Every woman likes different things and most of us expect our partners to intuitively know how our unique vagina works. But that's just not reality. You need to know what you like so you can tell him.
Then when you're with him notice what you do like most and TELL HIM. Out loud. So he can hear it. Be as specific as you can so he knows what actually works. You might say things like:
"I love what you're doing with your finger."
"Don't stop licking me there."
"That pressure is awesome. Keep it gentle like that."
"Can you keep using your hands like that?"
"I love your cock so deep inside me."
If those phrases feel too challenging right now try starting with one-word or two-word feedback like:
"More," "yes," "harder," "softer," "faster," "slower," "deeper," "keep going," "don't stop," "fuck me," "that's hot," "right there"
That helps him know what's working and keep doing that. Don't be afraid to ask him to keep doing something or for more foreplay if you need it. There's no reason to rush (unless that's what you're into).
I hope this helps you two change the way you're connecting sexually. You deserve all the pleasure you want, and the two of you deserve the kind of connection you desire. I hope this helps set you on a new path.
If you're already doing these things and it's not helping OR if doing these feels too challenging you might want a little extra help. Give me a call for a consultation, I'm happy to help you get clear about what you need to help things along.
Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a sex educator and relationship coach specializing in polyamory, open relationships, jealousy, LGBTQ issues and infidelity.
She can help you:
- rediscover passion in long-term relationships
- repair trust after infidelity or dishonesty
- move past jealousy, insecurity or codependent patterns
- open your relationship or practice polyamory with care
- resolve sexual dysfunction and disconnect
- break unhealthy communication patterns in your relationship
Contact her for a free consultation to see if working with her is right for you.