This Week's Relationship Advice Question:
I'm in a passionate intimate relationship with a guy I use to work with. He told me from the start that he just wants to have fun and he's married. I agreed because I like him soooo much. I feel powerful and sexy when we get together. I feel like I'm making love to the sun! He's like a drug and I'd like to break out of this but I often say to myself ...fuck it, the heart wants what it wants....Kindly advise please and thank you.
Oh sweetheart, drugs are bad. Not all drugs, not all the time, but there are a couple easy ways to tell when a drug isn't working for you:
- You can't stop thinking about the drug, you're distracted and not fully present in other parts of your life
- You're not paying attention to the warning labels written on the bottle/case/whatever. You take them as often as you can get them.
- You feel moody or out of control.
- The drug interrupts your other healthy functions (sleep, friendships, exercise, sleep) so you're not well.
- You can't seem to stop yourself from taking it.
I know the drug might feel good, but you need to keep focused on those warning labels to keep your use in check. In this case, your drug (Mr. Sunshine) is telling you his energy limits and boundaries, and it sounds like you might be caught up in some fantasies about those changing, or you're ignoring them.
Some people can recover from addiction with focus and limitation. I'd love for you to be one of those folks so you could keep feeling all that sexy powerful energy you're getting. Is there a way for you to create better boundaries for yourself?
Some people have to quit completely to recover. I imagine that would be very hard for you and it might not really be necessary.
What I know for sure is most people who successfully "quit" have a community of supporters around them helping them stay clear and accountable. Who can you call for support? Do your friends or other lovers know what's going on? What do they say?
Ask yourself what meaningful support might look like for you here and find a compassionate well-boundaried friend who can help you out. If not, hire a coach or therapist who can help.
Not all drugs are bad- but most can be dangerous. Be careful with your heart dear one.
Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a sex educator and relationship coach specializing in polyamory, open relationships, jealousy, LGBTQ issues and infidelity.
She can help you:
- rediscover passion in long-term relationships
- repair trust after infidelity or dishonesty
- move past jealousy, insecurity or codependent patterns
- open your relationship or practice polyamory with care
- resolve sexual dysfunction and disconnect
- break unhealthy communication patterns in your relationship
Contact her for a free consultation to see if working with her is right for you.